Surprise, surprise!!!

I was just catching up on reading my blog list...so glad everyone is back and posting after the holidays...when I popped into Semi True Torystellar's and saw that she had gotten "The Irresistibly Sweet Blog Award"...well deserved, in my not so humble opinion!!!  As I read her post, I was surpised to learn two things...one, we're both closet Twilight junkies and two, she passed the award on to me!!!  She said "and finally Dad over at Unsound Reasoning because he’s just a laugh, regardless of what he thinks of Idaho."  I'd like to go on record, no actual potatoes were harmed during my rant about Idaho!!! Thank you Tory!

It seems that I have to share five guilty pleasures and pass the award to three fellow bloggers....here we go:

1.  One of my favorite things about this time of year is the availability of Egg Nog...I absolutely love it...espically to chase down cookies :-)
2.  My iPad...the girls call if my BFF...not with the same tone now since I got them each one for Christmas :-)
3.  The smell of a puppy...a very macho, he-man kinda puppy...pit bull maybe :-)
4.  Reading a book that is soooo good that you're mad because it's over.
5.  That I've always had crappy hair...makes it so much easier to accept losing it :-)

It is my distinct pleasure to pass this award to....red carpet and drum roll....honor guard with raised swords...Odie at The Simple Life, who posted a great story today that will rekindle your faith in people and always has a positive outlook...Lyndelou at The Giggle Fest because she inspires me...her ability to cope with adversity and maintain a great sense of humor is amazing...and Bubbles at Bursts of Bubbles because she is Irresistibly Sweet :-)

Now...everyone go check out Can U Relate? Thanks again Tory!

Congrats JM, Happy New Year and other junk

So, it's New Years Eve and my plans are to hang some pictures in the living room (I repainted) read some blogs, and play some Xbox...excitement unlimited!!!  When I was young and liked to drink a tad, I loved going out for New Year's Eve...was a great excuse :-)  But even then, I don't think I really ever GOT the occassion.  It's been several years since I've done anything to celebrate the event however I do enjoy the day off work so I'm not preposing an end to the holiday!  I don't make resolutions and I don't have a special meal...it's just another day.  But to all those party-goers (JM and Boyfriend are going out) I wish you a fun filled evening and BE SAFE...people are crazy!!!

On another note, I'm thinking of starting a grass roots movement to encourage arranged marriages.  I heard recently that the divorce rate in most first world countries is somewhere in the neighborhood of 50%....one out of every two marriages ends in divorce...so it appears that we are not very good at picking our life partners.  I don't know if arranged marriages would change anything but at least we'd have a good excuse if it didn't work!!!  It would be kind of like bad politicians, we always say..."well, I didn't vote for them".  With a bad spouse, we would always be able to say..."well, I didn't pick them"......just an idea :-)




I was at Jumble Mash's place last night feeding my face full of meatball subs that she made with french fries and mac 'n cheese....mmm, mmmm, good....when she popped her iPad in front of my face to show me she had just gotten her 100th follower...she was happier than a pig in poop :-)  So congratulations to my darlin' daughter for achieving this milestone in the blogging universe!  If somehow, you haven't read her blog...I promise, it's entertaining!

True Wit

Once upon a time, about 1991, I lived in a small village in South Australia.  The population was roughly 2000.  After being there about a month, even if you didn't know everyone by name...you knew everyone by sight.  Now in this village lived a young woman named Michelle.

Michelle was a 20-something, single Aussie lass.  She was f-f-f-fine!!!  On a scale of 1 to 10, she was about a 12.4...on a bad hair day :-)  I googled for photos to "represent" her in this post but none did her justice...so use your imagination.  A smile that lit up the day, perfectly proportioned body, breasts that provided just enough waste to be entertaining, buns made of Kevlar...you get the idea.  The common consensus among the males of the village was that Michelle was the hottest woman in town.

Now add to this walking, breathing fantasy the fact that Michelle was also one of the nicest, most pleasant people in the village...and it was sincere!!!  It was almost like no one had ever clued her in on how friggin' attractive she was...no arrogance, no snobbishness, no fakeness!!!  Add the looks and personality together and essentially she was the type of woman that very, very few guys would have the courage to approach.

Until one night...

Friday night and the pub was jumpin'!!!  A good mix of Aussies and Yanks...throwing darts, shooting pool, and of course...drinking beer!  Michelle is sitting at the bar chatting with girlfriend and being her usual lovely, likable self. 

An American, whose name I will not change because he should never live this down, named Stephen, apparently decides this night is the night.  Fueled by a healthy dose of liquid courage (alcohol) and "supportive" mates...Aussie and Yank alike...he makes his move.

I'm sure he thought he was sauntering...but actually it was more like weaving...up to Michelle.  With the cosmos against him...just as he loudly said (so he could be heard over the music...and so his mates could witness his bravery) the music stopped!  The whole pub heard him speak this classic pick-up line...

"Michelle, I sure would like to get into your pants"

With a smile that melted hearts and made puppies wag their tails, Michelle so sweetly replied:

"No thanks mate, I already have one asshole there"

A collective groan from every male in the place could be heard as Stephen was shot down in flames!!!

Soooo Busted

I just read a hilarious post by Becca that reminded me of something that I apparently had buried deep in my grey matter in an attempt to protect my fragile male ego...but what the hell, I'll share it with y'all.

Years ago, I was driving from West Virginia where I had dropped off JM, her sisters and her mom for a visit, to Boston (where I lved at the time) in my 1974 VW Squareback.  I had just installed a new rebuilt engine and was pretty happy with how well my old girl was running.

Somewhere in Connecticut, in the early daylight hours of the morning, I developed an oil leak from the valve cover.  Unfortunately, with this type of engine, if there is an oil leak from the valve cover...it drips directly onto the exhaust pipe.

I looked in the rear view mirror and holy crap...so much smoke was coming from my car that I looked like an old coal train!!

Being the thoughtful person that I am, and not wanting to be responsible for a massive wreck on the interstate because no one else could see through cloud of smoke I was leaving...I decided I had better pull over and see if I could rectify the situation.  I found a reasonably level spot and pulled over onto the shoulder.  I crawled up under the car and quickly realized what was causing the problem.  The leak was very minor and I was not losing enough oil to cause a real mechanical problem...it was just creating all that friggin' smoke. 

So, I figure about the only thing I can do at the time is to try and wipe off the exhaust to minimize the smoke.  I start digging around in the car looking for something I could use and this is the only thing I found...

I can only guess at JM's mother's surprise when she went to look for them :-)  Despite my initial misgivings, I figured they were supposed to be absorbant...and they were disposable...and most importantly, they were all I had...and no one would ever know!  So, back under the car I went with my trusty pack of Kotex.

As I was woking, I saw a shadow approaching and peeked out from under the car...to see a Connecticut State Trooper standing there...he looked from the Kotex package to me and back at the Kotex package and started laughing so hard tears were rolling down his cheeks! 

Once he got himself under control, he asked if I needed a tow truck.  I assured him I had the situation under control...he thanked me for the best laugh he'd had in ages and when about his merry way!!!

Needless to say...I was just a tad embarrassed by the whole situation...not real manly to repair your car with Kotex :-)



On the Road Again

At DW's suggestion:

I was born a poor white child....wait that's a Steve Martin movie...regardless, it's accurate :-)  Yep, I'm a true West Virginia Hillbilly.  I lived in the same house from the day I was born until the day I went into the military at age 17...yes, my mother had to sign the papers.  It was the single best decision I've ever made and I am sincerely honored to have had the chance to wear my country's uniform.

I am a Travellin' Man...since enlisting, I have been to all 50 states in the U.S. and somewhere in the neighborhood of 18 countries.  Since retiring, I've had 3 jobs...all of which required extensive travel.  Over one 13 week stretch this year, I was on the road for ten weeks!!!  I've actually woke up in hotels and for several seconds couldn't remember where I was!!!  I was in Vegas last month and will be in California in February.  I think I currently have10 trips scheduled for 2011.  Believe it or not...I think I've finally gotten tired of travelling.  I'm working very hard at the moment to minimize the amount of time I spend on the road....I'm getting too old for this crap :-)

The worst place I ever lived was Idaho...if you're from there, I feel for you.  Face it, if the best slogan you can come up with for your license plates is "Famous Potatoes"....your state doesn't have a lot to offer.  I actually think we should dig a moat around the whole state and make it a penal colony!!!  Of course, being the fair-minded person that I am, we'd give current residents the opportunity to relocate if they want...see, I'm not so bad :-)

If I ever screw up so bad that I get deported...I want to go back to Australia and live....living there was a fantastic experience.  Great place, great people, and needless to say...great beer :-)  I'll write more about Australia in a seperate post.

I've been to a number of places in the Pacific...loved the cultures...the food.....and since  was a young, single man...yes, I loved the women :-)  It was also the only area where I felt tall :-)

I also spent some time around Central and South America...it wasn't bad but I doubt that I'd elect to go back. 

I've never been to Europe...although I tried very hard to make it happen!..The one place I want to visit is Egypt.

Here's a few things I've learned in my travels:

• People are people, no matter where you go...some good and some bad
• The average American has no concept of true poverty
• Attitude is everything...if you're willing to find the good, you will...except in Idaho
• You really shouldn't drink everything you're offered in a foreign county
• You really, really shouldn't eat everything you're offered AFTER drinking everything offered in a foreign country
• Other culture's beliefs and customs are just as valid to them as yours are to you...even when they seem whacked out :-)
• The phrase " I love you no shit G.I" may not be 100% sincere
• If you've already eaten three pieces of kagogi before discovering that it's dog meat, there's really no sense in stopping :-)
• There is not enough alcohol in the world to get me to "suck balut"...google it :-)

Have a great day and may all your travels end in happiness!



Oh Crappy Day

I think I'm in the grip of mentalpause...I really have nothing of value to write about tonight so if ya just wanna skim and post an "um hum"...I'm cool with that.

Been in a slightly pissy mood today for no apparent reason.  We had our work Christmas luncheon today....I enjoy the time away from the office but not the pretense by the people that would put a dagger in your back in the blink of an eye that we're suddenly one big happy family...yeah , friggin' right!

I've determined that Jumble Mash and her sisters are enablers....I've been Christmas shopping for them since October...I have presents stacked all over the place....and this very morning, I see something interesting at work (I can't be more specifc, cause JM may read this)...comment on it and find myself forking over cash to have the "items" delivered tomorrow.  I mentioned it to JM and instead of saying "Dad, really...enough is enough...please quit spending all your money on us", her reply...with a twinkle in her voice...was "Oh goody...thanks"...see...enablers :-)

A very sweet thing did happen today...I hadn't posted anything since The Night Before Christmas and Bubbles actually popped in to comment to make sure everything was OK....I was honestly touched...Thanks Bubbles...you're on my good karma list :-)

Due to above reference mentalpause condition, I am soliciting topics to post about...so, if you have anything in mind, let me know.

P.S.   I've been looking for a new pair of brown, slip-on (cause I'm too lazy to tie) casual shoes for about a week and as a result have noticed something strange...at every shoe store there are roughly six times the selection for women as there is for men....but women and men both have two feet each...what the hell is up with that?

The Night Before Christmas...more or less

"Twas the night before Christmas and all through the sphere

Not a blogger was strirring, they must be getting beer;

Their posts were all placed on their pages with care,

In hopes that new comments would soon be there;

Some of them were nestled all in their beds,

While visions of blog awards danced in their heads;

JM in her turtle jammies, and I in my cap,

Wrote today's posts, typed up in a snap;

When out on the web there arose such a clatter,

I had to check the monitor to see what was the matter;

Away to the desk, I waddled like a duck,

Tripped on a rug and screamed "Oh F***";

 

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,

A shimmering list of blogs, I hold them so dear;

They always make me chuckle, or bring a tear to my eye,

Split a gut laughing, or just make me sigh;

There was Canadian Blogger Girl, with her yummy meat pie,

And Taurus still drooling, over the hott dentist guy;

Lyndylou and her shovel, fighting Scotland's big snows,

Wishing for a fireman, or maybe just a hose;

And then there was Barb, on the Carolina coast,

She gives us much love, but Bruce gets the most;

Bubbles is there, her banner so bright,

Her blog is a beauty, filled with color and light;

Becca at My Life, isn't feeling so well,

I gave her an award, because she's so swell;

Caterpillar for me, is a brand new find,

Can't wait to read more, to see what's on her mind;

ib is fretting, about being a good Dad,

I predict he'll be the best, a kid ever had;

Wit sharp as a rapier, I'm diggin' Mrs. Hyde,

Tough on the surface, all gooey inside;

Fighting Eric the Viking, our sweet Aussie lass,

Mynx will defeat him, because she's loaded with class;

Jess could be JM's step-mom, you know that it's true,

But damned if her hubs, didn't recover from the flu;

Cinderita is a thinker, so young yet so wise,

If they are a reflection of her soul, she must have beautiful eyes;

Hed is back in America, we're so glad she's here;

With this new chapter, I wish her a life full of good cheer;

With poopy and vulva and nipples in the air,

Sandra write's her blog, with an awesome kind of flair;

Miss Vicki nearly grounded, security man is so sad,

A little too drunk, or the wild mambo would have been had;

The Empress was honored, but on her parade one did poop,

Thank goodness Miss Poopy, has now flown the coop;

It's clear from SSW's posts, Mr. D gives her a tingle,

From her profile, she may have to remove "single";

I'm sure there's an awesome blog, that I somehow missed,

Please chalk it up to my old age, and not get pissed;

Of their posts and their comments, every blogger should be proud,

My sincere best wishes, to my wonderful blogger crowd!!!

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

An Award...for me!!!

Holy crapola...I got an award!  I checked the weather channel to see if hell froze over but nope...everything is still nice and toasty down there.  Miss Vicki from Core Blimey has bestowed this honor upon me.

If I were you, I would be reading her blog instead of mine....hers is much more interesting...and I think she's about to get some action :-)  Thanks again for the recognition Miss Vicki...hope the hang over has gone away :-)

I understand there are some rules to this award.  The first is easy...listing 5 guilty pleasures, the second is not...passing it on to ONLY three other bloggers....I can easily think of a dozen I'd like to recognize...but rules are rules.

5 Guilty Pleasures

1.  Reading all of your great blogs...I need more time in the day for this!!!

2.  My ritual after-work nap....yep, it's true...I generally take about an hour nap as soon as I get home from work...I love it

3.  An ice cold Coca Cola...so cold that it actually burns my throat a little as it's going down

4.  Quality time with my Xbox

5.  And the greatest of them all...spoiling my girls...no guilt attached :-)

It is my distinct pleasure to pass this award to Mrs. Hyde...she just tickles the shit out of me :-)  Becca who is always there when I check for comments...and she is sick right now...get well soon Becca! and a new blog that I am happy to have found.. ib at The Habitual Hobbit...in some ways he reminds me of a younger, smarter me :-)

So, if you haven't checked out Mrs. Hyde, Becca and ib, you're losers you're missing out on some great reading...enjoy!

Hmmmm....what do you think?

I have a quick little question that I'd like your opinions on.  It's one of those things that I never really thought about until it brushed against my life last week.  My unmarried niece gave birth to a healthy baby boy...7 pounds, 19 inches...and all is well.  When discussing the baby's name....I automatically assumed that the baby's last name would be the same as the mother's, since she's not married....wrong again!!!

So, in this situation, what should be the baby's last name....the mother's, the father's, hyphenated or what?   Just curious :-)

P.S. I've told JM if she and BF get married she has to hyphenate with her name being first....she hasn't agreed yet but I think I'm wearing her down :-)

My Middle Child

Wow...saw the birthday wishes y'all laid on Jumble Mash...my marvelous middle child...I'm sure they made her day.  From reading her blog, y'all know quite a bit about her but of course my perspective is a little closer.  Since she's not here to stop me and the roads are so covered in snow that she won't drive just to kill me...I'm gonna share some of my JM with you fine folks.

And this is where the spoiling started :-)

She has always had an inquiring mind...even as a little girl, I couldn't just give her the "pat" answers to her questions...when she asked about thunder, she really wanted to know what caused it...not that the angels were bowling!  She's very smart and picks up things quickly.

She is the "alpha" female...she wants things her way and isn't afraid to let you know that she wants them her way...I don't often worry about her getting walked on or taken advantage of by anyone.  Before BF, there were actually guys that I kind of felt sorry for...even though I didn't like them, because they were never going to be strong enough to stand up to her...to be honest, BF seems to have this ability...hmmm, who would have guessed :-)

She has the ability to still be a kid and enjoy the goofy side of life....which will serve her well during tough times.  There was a period from about 17 to 19 that I was afraid that she was going to lose that ability...so glad she didn't.

What a beauty !!!

She has a great sense of humor...she's been telling since she was about 11 that she's going to put me in a rest home where they beat me daily and feed me dog food!  There is nothing I enjoy more than sitting back and listening to her and her sisters when they get on a roll...friggin' hilarious!

She shows a tough exterior to most people but I know her to have a tender heart...I remember telling her at one point that it's OK for people to know that she's sweet :-)

She will never hang out with Betty Crocker or Martha Stewart...not very domestic in the kitchen but she keeps a clean house. 

This is the person I see every time I look at Jumble Mash!!!

How cute are those dimples!!!

I see a bright future for JM...in marriage, she will demand a partnership...although sometimes I think she doubts it, she'll make a fantastic mother if she elects to have children, she'll be fiercely protective...professionally, she will succeed at whatever she decides to do...she has the intelligence, work ethic, and drive to accomplish anything!

And most important, she'll always have a Daddy that loves her and is there for her.  Happy Birthday middle child.

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday to Jumble Mash...it's hard to believe my little girl is 25 today!

Question of the Day

If you had unlimited resources...money, time, energy, etc and you could in some way significantly help ONE person...play by the rules, you must pick just ONE person...who would it be, what would you do, and why?

Snowy Monday, LilSis, JM and Other Crap

First, a huge thanks to all for your kind words and thoughts for LittleSis' recovery.  I am happy...actually thrilled...to report that she is doing very well.  I stayed home and played Florence Nightinggale for her today...she was a pretty good patient.  BigSis is off work the next two days and will be able to keep an eye on her.

It's friggin snowing and 19F here and I hate it!!!!  I went and got JM another birthday present...I love spoiling my girls.  In case everyone doesn't know it....JM will be 25 years old on Thursday the 16th!!!  Yes, I fathered her when I was like 12 :-)  It's soooooo hard to believe that she will officially be an antique!  Thank goodness she has not lost her inner child...she's a hoot to be around...as long as she's not cranky :-)

I've been thinking that it may be just about time to find a girlfriend.  It's been about two years since I've dated anyone...takes about that long for me to recover from the insanity.  I will wait until after Christmas of course, no need to buy any more presents :-)  And it will be new enough come Valentine's Day that an insignificant token will be appropriate.  I don't go to bars or church (wouldn't wanna get struck by lightening for trying to pick up a woman at church) so I guess I'll go with on-line dating.

Here's a typical Dad "relationship". 

I say right up front..."I am not a very good boyfriend but I am a great friend."
They say..."Why do you say that?"
I say..."17 years of experience...I'm not romantic, I'm not dangerous, it takes me a long time to develope an attachment, and I will not be controlled."
They say..."I just want a man that is honest"
I say..."Yes, that dress does make your ass look big" (Nothing wrong with a big ass...but they ask!)
They say..."You're a jerk"
I say..."You're right...can we just be friends?"

I'm starting to think the JM will never get a step-mother...oh well, I'd really rather have an invisible blue dragon.

LittleSis Upate

Help...I am in dire need of an ass massage!!! I'm sure the chair in LittleSis' hospital room could possibly be more uncomfortable....I'm just not sure how...maybe spikes. Good news, not so good news...gallbladder is out...had a stone nearly the size of a golf ball and some smaller ones. Not so good news...apparently a stone or stones moved into the central bile duct and is causing an obstruction. She's resting well but they will move her to a larger hospital in the morning and do a procedure to try and remove the stones. Have I mentioned how much I enjoy spending "quality time" with JM's mom and her husband...oh joy :-)

Ugggg...Saturday at the Hospital

I'm off to a fun filled day...NOT...at the hospital!!!  JM's Little Sis was admitted yesterday, apparently she has so many gall stones that they are going to remove her gall bladder this morning...soooooo, I've taken some Excederine Migraine, grabbing my iPad and heading out to be one of the wandering waiters roaming the hospital for the day.  Mmmmm, wonder what culinary delights they have in the cafeteria???  Have a great Saturday!

A sad, sad story

Well...I think it finally happened...today I am mourning the death of my last functioning brain cell.  It fought a valiant struggle, swinging to they very end but despite every effort...I must announce, that it succumbed today.

I thought I was well prepared and highly experienced...I spent most of my life in the military and the remainder in government service...I honestly felt I could combat the idiocy of bureaucracy and come out on top...oh freinds and neighbors, how wrong I was!!!

I earn what most would deem a very good salary based on my analytical abilities...and I take a great deal of pride in my work.  Do to some recent personnel changes, we find ourselves short in our administrative area.  The decision was made, that to get through this temporary shortage, several of us would be required to prepare and mail or own correspondence.  I'm a team player and have no problem jumping in to pick up the slack!!!

Things were going well until today...(insert ominous music here)...I had to mail my first piece of correspondence!!!  I approached the task with the confidence of a professional...the correspondence had gone through the 97 (maybe a SLIGHT exaggeration) levels of required review unscathed....little did I know a land mine lay in wait!  I prepared the mailing label, stuck it on the envelope, inserted the document and sealed it up.

Feeling a bit smug with my accomplishment, I handed the envelope to the person in the mail room.  With a look normally associated with talking to the village idiot...the clerk handed it back, telling me that the address label was formatted incorrectly.  I stared numbly for a second and explained that it was exactly as it was on the correspondence.  There's the problem he explained, the regulation on administrative issues clearly directs that THE ADDRESS FORMAT ON THE CORRESPONDENCE IS DIFFERENT THAN THE ADDRESS FORMAT ON THE MAILING LABEL.

That's when my last functioning brain cell threw in the towel and gave up the ghost!!!

This is my "I can't think of a title" title

I've read a couple posts recently where bloggers have listed things about themselves that we didn't know.  I think that's a kewl idea BUT I have no idea what it might be that anyone would want to know about me.  So, here's an open invitation...if there's anything you'd like to know about me...ask :-)  As long as it doesn't relate to that one night in Juarez, Mexico....I'll probably answer!

Homo Sapien Version 2.0

Not that I think there is anything wrong with the way we are now, but I do have a few upgrade ideas if a Version 2.0 is in the works!

1.  Detachable arms...would make sleeping so much more comfortable.

2.  An eyeball...with a VERY tough lid...on each index finger...would make finding things in pockets and purses much easier.

3.  Adjustable size breasts and penises....make them smaller while playing sports, trying to work, or just when they are in the way...make them bigger when the situation calls for it :-)

4.  Nipples on butt cheeks...would add a whole new dimension to slow dancing !!!

5.  Brain on/off switch...for those times that you're sooooo tired of thinking but your mind won't stop racing

What upgrades would you like to see?

Values ???

As most of you know by now, I spent half my life in the military...24 years.  Essentially, while most of those serving rarely think about it...and even more rarely talk about, those serving have volunteered to give their life...if called upon...to defend an ideal.  For those serving in the militaries of democracies...this ideal is generally freedom.

My question to you, good bloggers, is....if need be, what is important enough that you would risk your life to defend it?

For those of you that are parents, you can't say your children...that's a given or you shouldn't be a parent :-)

I'd like to thank....

Holy friggin' Guacamole!!!  I got an award...twice!!!  Mynx, my heart throb sheila from Down Under at Dribble and the lovely Hed at HedAboveWater each gave me this beautiful award!!!  I'm touched by the thought and kind words...but even more so by the fact that you take the time from your busy lifes to read my silly thoughts.  Thank you ladies...it's quite an ego stroke.  If you're not already following these two...quite wasting your time reading my crap and get over there :-)

I understand that it's traditional to pass this on to three bloggers that add to your life....I'd prefer to give it to about 25...since that's how many followers I have but being the traditional kind of guy I am...I'll play by the rules.  And the award goes to...(drum roll please).....Tress at Jumble Mash because nepotism is truly alive and well...she's my middle child and I love her more than I can ever put into words....and she's a damned good writer too :-)  and Lynne at The Giggle Fest for her strength...strong women are hott!!!  and last but certainly not least, Krissy at Talkative Taurus for being nice to animals :-)  Thanks to each of you for making the world a better place.

Planet Dad

I'm feeling a little cranky today and not real enamoured with humankind so figured this would be a good time to lay out the changes that will be made once I become Grand Pubah of Planet Earth!!!

1.  All lawyers will be given a choice...give up the practice of law and do something that actually helps society or take a long walk off a short pier...into shark infested waters...smeared with whatever it is that sharks can't resist.

2.  Since most polticians are or were lawyers, I'm hoping step one gets rid of most of them but for those few remaining, they will also get a choice...do something that actually helps society or slide down a razor blade naked into a vat of iodine.

3.  I will appoint people to the important jobs based on their personal integrity and ability to make me laugh...women with nice butts will get two bonus points!

4.  Temporary, reversable sterilization for everyone that cannot afford to raise a child...once the financial capability can be demonstrated...an antidote will be issued.

5.  All professional athletes will work under a strick salary cap...if they reallllllyyyy play because they love the game...they can play for minimum wage!  This change will also apply to actors, actresses, singers, bands, clowns, and Barney the friggin Purple Dinosaur!!!

6.  The military, police, teachers, firemen and trash collectors will get an immediate 100% pay raise (we'll get the money from the athletes, actors, etc ) IF they are good at what they do...no dead weight in these professions will be tolerated.

7.  Health care...I will pay for all medical training/schooling...with a two to one pay back...if you go to 8 years of medical school...you owe society sixteen years of service...at a REASONABLE salary...this may keep the folks that just wanna make money away.

8.  "Welfare" will only be available for those not capable of working...not those that don't want to work!!!

9.  The media will not be permitted to destroy the self-esteem of girls and women by "dictating" or force feeding their (and industry's) version of what an attractive woman should look like....all Barbie dolls will immediately put on 45 pounds!!!

10.  The only talk show that will still be aired will be Jerry Springer...cause face it, if you're doing better than Jerry's guests...life ain't so bad :-)  Dr. Phil and Oprah will be forced to marry and listen to each other's psychobabble bullshit for the rest of their lives...in private!

11.  All religious organizations will lose their tax free status...on planet Dad...if ya wanna play, ya gotta pay.

12.  Free education will actually be free...kids (their parents) will not be forced to become door-to-door salesmen of cookies, magazines, or other crap that none of us really want to buy anyhow.

13.  Thieves...the cutting off of hands, televised on ESPN, doesn't seem too harsh to me...basic thing momma taught me...if it ain't yours, don't touch it

14.  Back to education...any educator caught calling a child dumb or stupid or similiar word will have their privates painted with honey and staked to an ant hill for 8 hours...without pay...to consider who is really stupid!

15.  Drugs...the entire drug trade will be taken over by the government and taxed to high heaven...let it generate funds for the country instead of draining it.

16.  Old people (by this I mean older than me)  will regain their status as essential and venerated members of society instead of throw-aways...they will be allowed and encouraged to continue working as long as they are able to make a contribution...when they are no longer able to work...we will capitalize on their experience and wisdom by having them as advisors...when they decide they've had enough, we will treat them with dignity and respect...we should all want this since I believe we all hope to be old one day :-)

17.  Any chocolate eaten after 6 pm will have no calories...enough said!

18.  People in prison and jails are there because they did something bad...they will not have tv, gyms, the internet, or anything else that makes jail a less than terrible experience...I think the idea should be to make it so unpleasant that no one wants to go back...and possibly change their behavior to ensure they don't go back!

OK...I'm tired now...gonna go play some Xbox and then off tobed...my big, empty bed...hmm, maybe I'll just stay up all night :-)

Hope everyone has a great Monday!

Memories of Australia

I popped over to Dribble to visit Mynx and saw her beautiful pics of Christmas shopping in 97 degree weather and it took me on a pleasant trip down memory lane.  I had the good fortune of living in a little village (about 2000 people) in South Australia for a couple of years in the early 1990's...it was a great experience and I love Aussies!!!



My favorite things about Australia:

1.  The people...very down to earth, unpretentious, "what-you-see-is-what-you-get".  I was very fortunate that several Aussie's "took me under their wings" so I could truly experience Australia and not just the tourist aspects...I will be forever grateful to them.

2.  The Aussie sense of humor...the people I got to know had a very dry, sarcastic sense of humor....much like mine...I fit right in :-)

3.  The weather...where I lived the forcast was the same every day...hot and sunny...no humidity!  It only rained twice the entire time I was there...bad for plants, great for Dad :-)

4.  The slang....a blue = a fight, POME = Prisoner of Mother England, thunderbox = outhouse, arvo = afternoon, pissed = drunk, smoko = break time, loo = toilet...they have a million of them...fair dinkum (honest).

5.  The beer.....I was never a beer drinker...until I went to Australia...West End Export and Victoria Bitter were the two I liked best...stay away from XXXX beer, it results in farts that will peel paint off the walls!

6.  Imparja Television..we only got two tv channels...Imparja is owned by Aboriginal tribes...some great programming about living in the outback.

My least favorite things about Australia

1.  Vegemite....a dark brown Australian food paste made from yeast extract...one word...yuck!!!  I had a mate explain that one had to be introduced to vegemite before the age of two in order to tolerate the taste :-)

2.  Cricket...booooooorrrrrrring and it seems to go on forever!!!  With only two tv channels, when the 7 day matches were on...I didn't even bother turning on the tube.

3.  Grudges...never met people that could hold a grudge for so long....I knew some guys that had been mad at each other for so long they couldn't even remember why they got mad in the first place!

4.  Flies...never seen so many friggin' flies in all my life!!!  Little bastards are everywhere!

Well I've gotta go be Dad...JM needs me to relocate the wire for her tv cable...it's great to be needed :-)

Cultural Exchange

A public service for the rest of the world :-)

A sloppy joe is an American dish of ground beef, onions, sweetened tomato sauce or ketchup and other seasonings, served on a hamburger bun. 

In my opinion, they are best served with a side of macaroni and cheese and french fries!

Recipe

Ingredients

U.S.

Metric

Conversion chart

• 2 pound(s) lean ground beef
• 1 medium yellow onion, finely chopped
• 6 large cloves garlic, finely chopped
• 1 can(s) (6-ounce) tomato paste
• 2 tablespoon(s) chili powder
• 1/2 teaspoon(s) salt
• 80 mls ketchup
• 60 mls Worcestershire sauce

---

Directions

1. Brown meat in a large skillet over medium heat. Remove meat and set aside, then drain all but 1 tablespoon fat. Add onion and garlic to skillet, reduce heat to medium-low, and cook until onion is soft, about 8 minutes.
2. Add tomato paste and cook, stirring constantly, 2 more minutes. Stir in chili powder and salt and cook 1 more minute.
3. Add ketchup, Worcestershire sauce, and reserved meat. Increase heat to medium-high and bring to a boil.
4. Reduce heat to medium-low, cover, and let simmer 25 minutes.

   ---

Enjoy :-)

Ho hum...

I love the questions y'all asked...don't hesitate to ask more :-)  And y'all are great for my ever so fragile male ego...thanks.  Busy day at work today...it's friggin' freezing here...I'm tired and kinda bored.  Here's a question for ya...are any of you attracted to they type of person that is the opposite of what you actually want?  I know that what I want in a woman is intelligence (smart is sexy), a good sense of humor, independence, the ability to be a kid at heart and have some fun (serious people bum me out) and someone that doesn't want to change me!  Now, what I'm attracted to is the Damsel in Distress...go figure!!!  I mean really...I have a hard enough time taking care of me and the girls...why in the hell do I apparently have this need to "save" someone???  Fortunately, old age and a clearly established fear of commitment has trained me to avoid these women that really only want to use me as an emotional tampon....but, to be honest, the attraction is still there.  Wonder if electro-shock therapy would help?  I have jumper cables and I'm not afraid to use them :-)

Oh...by the way...I had a new experience yesterday.  First, some quick background...I've been divorced and have lived alone for about 17 years.  Although I can cook reasonably well, I generally don't unless the girls are coming for dinner.  So...I usually either eat something from the microwave or go out for dinner.  The last several days I've had a craving for...of all things...sloppy joes.  While at Walmart...the only store I go to..I saw some sloppy joe seasoning in an envelope thing...looked enticing so I got it.  Read the instructions and it called for a 6 ounce can of tomato paste...I don't believe I have ever purchased a can of tomato paste before...but what the hell, I'm adventurous.  I get home from work last night and decide to be Betty Friggin' Crocker and make my sloppy joes.   I browned the ground beef, peeled and cut up an onion and yes...opened the tomato paste...pretty gross looking stuff...I can only imagine if tomatoes had turds...this is what they would look like...not very appealing!!!  After all was said and done...the sloppy joes sucked and I threw them away and went to McDonalds!

The Truth About Men...or at least my humble opinion :-)

Mynx ask a multipart question that I actually really though about and will attempt answer.  The question:  Why won't guys ever ask for directions, call a tradesman or read instructions?  I am guilty of two of the three.  Directions...the genetic role of the male is hunter...whether it be the hunter of a T-Rex or that special new resturant you want to try...I think we feel like a failure if we can't "sniiff" out the route on our own.  I do think most women would be surprised at how much more willing a man is to ask for directions if he is alone.  I am historically guilty of not asking for directions...until I got my first GPS...now, life is good! 

Calling a tradesman is a little different...it's the whole Alpha-male thing...we hate for another guy to realize we can't do things a guy is "supposed" to be able to do.  I am NOT guilty of this one...I have paid out too much money over the years for someone to fix a "project" that I screwed up!!!  It's a tough hurdle to overcome but pay twice as much to get something done right enough times and even men tend to accept reality.

Not reading instructions....that's an easy one...we actually think (justified or not) that we're smart enough to figure stuff out :-)  I am sooooo guilty of this one.  I have convinced myself that it is part of the devine plan of the universe that every piece of unassembled furniture must be put together backwards at least once to have any true value!

lyndylou also is looking for some pearls of wisdom....unfortunately, she'll have to settle for me :-)  She asks Why do men have to flick through all the tv channels constantly?  That's a stumper!  I don't watch much TV so I'm not sure if I do that...I know I must have control of the remote...it's a King of the Castle thing :-)  Maybe it's just ADD??? 

She also wants to know Why do they think it is cool or funny to fart at will, any time, any place, anywhere?  I am NOT guilty of this one but probably only because I don't have the God-given talent of being able to fart at will :-)  Why do we think it's funny and cool....because regardless of our age or station in life, we all have a 10 year old boy still locked inside of us.

lyndylou has seen pass my facade and cut into my soul with the last question And what is this thing they have about gadgets?  OK, you've found me out...I am a gadget-aholic!!!  I don't understand the addiction but I suffer from it daily...as I type this on my desktop...a laptop is less than 12 inches from my right elbow and an iPad is about 6 inches from my left hand...there is another laptop in my bedroom...I have 3 flatscreen HD TVs...I own 6 Xbox consoles....and I live alone!!!!!   Someone please help me!!!!  I'd join gandgets anonymous...but I spend so much time playing with my gadgets that I'd never be able to squeeze in the meetings.

OK...now it's my turn...I have a question for all you lovely ladies.  I've read a number of times in different publications, heard in interviews, seen in polls, and been told by women that one of the key qualities women want in a man is a sense of humor.  If this is true....why do women always end up sleeping with the bad boys or dark, emotionally troubled guys instead of the funny ones?

Hope y'all have a great night and I sooooo enjoy your company!!!

Monday, Monday...revisited!!!

In yesterday's post....in case your memory is deficient like mine...I offered to answer some questions and y'all left some good ones...so here we go!!!

My darling JM asks "why OH why do guys think once they are in a relationship they can just quit trying to impress the girl?"  Good question, young Jedi...you see, we take our clue from the animal kingdom.  The peacock displays its brilliant, iridescent plumage to impress and entice the peahen (only the males are actually peacocks) into joining his harem.  However, once the peahen is a member of the harem, the peacock no longer puts on this display.  There are two primary reasons for this change in behavior; 1) the level of posturing required to win the mate is alot of friggin' work...the tailfeathers are about 60% of the peacocks total body length and 2) the peacock has already won the peahen as a mate...what would be the point in trying to impress her further?  To summarize, we use our best effort to get you in the first place...so once we have you, there's not much left to impress you with and once in a relationship, it's easy to get lazy and fall into the false sense of security that we did such a good job of impressing you in the first place that there's really no need to keep doing it.  As a note, the male is not the only gender guilty of this...case in point, the female that previously spent an hour getting ready for a date now only owns sweatpants and has taken the Mary Kay lady off her friends list :-)  JM, there is a way around this one...don't let the guy know he's in a relationship...I once saw a woman for two years and never knew that I was "in a relationship" I thought we were special friends :-)

Krissy, who has referred to me as sexy twice now and I hereby appoint as my highly valued official stalker, ponders "Why do guys always have their hands either in their pants or on their appendage?"  First, appendage is a really bad term to use when describing our weiners...they have feelings, you know!!!  It sounds like we could get appendage-itis and have to have it removed or it might fall off or some other craziness...shudder.  But back to the question, there are actually a number of reasons for this seemingly strange behavior.  It could be economic...for example, I grew up poor...there were five sons and very little money...sometimes it was the only thing I had to play with :-)  For some married guys, it's a reminder that even though they don't get to use it without permission, it's still there.  Yes, sometimes it is a sexual thing...it just feels good.  Oh, and believe it or not....sometimes it is just a comfort adjustment and nothing more :-)

And Jess is quite the curious one...she has four..."Do y'all REALLY think about sex evry 13 seconds?"  Jess, I'm not sure where you came up with this so called "data"....I seriously believe it to be flawed...it must be based on men of the clergy or guys in a coma!!!  I'm pretty sure that for regular guys it's probably more like once every 10.5 seconds and for us overachievers once every 8 seconds...but to be clear, some of those thoughts are very fleeting, like "nice butt".  Jess' next inquiry is a personal favorite, "Do you automatically appraise a woman's hotness when meeting her for the first time?"  Without a doubt, YES.  To clarify, although most won't admit it...I believe the majority of men, if even for a split second...never to be acted upon, assess each woman's potential as a possible sex partner.  I think this is based on two factors...factor one, the genetic drive to procreate and sustain the species and factor two that we're horn dogs that would have sex with just about anyone short of a leper (see note above about stuff falling off) IF the conditions were just right...like no one would ever find out :-)  Her next question caught me off guard and required some soul searching on my part..."Do you secretly like chick flicks?" Not so much, they set the expectations for romance and relationships too high for the typical guy to meet...see peacock discussion above.  However, I must be honest and admit that there are exceptions...I love the movie "Sweet Home Alabama" and not sure if this one actually qualifies as a chick flick but I really like Juno...the parents in that movie are awesome!  And last, the age old question "Is the toilet lid thing really that widespread an epidemic?"  I with you Jess, I don't see this as a major issue...can't recall it ever creating strife at my house.

Wow...that was fun :-)  I was talking to JM this afternoon and told her this blogging stuff can be addictive...I haven't even had dinner yet because I wanted to log on and see what's happening.  Y'all are much more interesting than the people I know :-)

Monday, Monday

I've had a migraine since I woke up yesterday...my dryer broke late last night so I had to take off part of today to get it fixed, since my underwear weren't dry yet...the U.S. Mail has apparently delivered three different packages of mine (yes, christmas gifts) to the wrong house but they assured me they will ATTEMPT to get them back tomorrow...why wouldn't the people who got them have already tried to get them back to the mailman???  But Big Sis and Li'l Sis came up for a while, we went to Walmart and out for Chinese so all in all it was a good Monday.

Since most of y'all are women...and yes, I do love the attention...as a public service, I hereby offer to field any question you ever wanted to ask a man but were afraid to ask...as long as you don't tell the guys...I don't want to lose my secret decoder ring or have them change the secret handshake :-)

I have determined that after 49 years and 10 months what I have learned about women is about equal to a popcorn fart in a wind storm!!!

C'mon Tuesday...what do ya have in store for me ???

Jumble Mash...my middle child :-)

I really didn't have much to say today...until I read JM's post on childhood memories :-)  JM and I think so much alike that sometimes it's scary...and I'm not sure which of us should be scared the most!  There have been times that she has been...shall we say...a challenge.  But I must say, even when being a challenge, she has always been interesting. 

The following conversation took place when JM was 5 or 6 and I was tucking her in for the night:

JM:  Daddy, can God see me in the dark?
DAD:  Yeah baby, I'm pretty sure God can see in the dark
JM:  Daddy, what if I cover up my head?
DAD:  JM, what are you trying to hid from God?
JM:  Nothing, I was just wondering!

I couldn't possibly love her more than I do :-)

10 Things that Piss Me Off

1.  People that try to make themselves look good by making others look bad...one word...karma.

2.  That I have no hips...I must pull my pants up a thousand times a day...I may have velcro implanted to keep them in place.

3.  That the media thinks we are so stupid that they have to provide us with an opinion...I mean really, news casters are just actors that aren't smart enough to remember a script !!!

4.  Childproof caps....urghhhhh

5.  The person that uses the last paper on the roll...and doesn't tell anyone

6.  The fuzz that gets in my bellybutton...it's not even the same color as my shirt...where does it come from?

7.  When the thought is so crystal clear in my mind but when I say it, the person hearing it gets a completely different message :-(

8.  That coffee doesn't taste anything like it smells

9.  That random women do not recognize the sexiness oozing from my pores ;-)

10.  That the chances of me becoming Grand Pubah of the World...so I can fix 1-9 above...are getting slimmer every day!

Feelin' Old

Well Big Sister turned 26 today!  Exactly how in the hell did that happen???  Seems like only yesterday she was between diaper sizes...one to little, one too big...and peed out the side onto my nicely starched Air Force uniform...twice, in the same day!!!  Or the first time we brought her back to the states...she was about 7 months old and I found out a military flight was going into Charleston, SC and there were "seats" available.  The aircraft was a C-130 which is a troop transport/cargo plane...no seats, webbed netting to sit on...so loud you can't talk to the person next to you...and oh yeah, it was an 11 hour training flight.  The Load Master and the entire crew went out of their way to make us as comfortable as possible since we had such precious cargo with us :-)  As the flight progressed, I was very happy...and proud...of what a well behaved baby I had fathered.  As we descended into Charleston, I was relieved and already thinking about the 8 hour car ride home.  As the wheels touched down...my darling, well behaved daughter projectile vomited infamil all over me...and I do mean all over me!!!  Oh, the joys of parenthood.  Happy Birthday Big Sister....and JM, don't laugh too much...your birthday is coming soon :-)

10 Things for Which I'm Thankful

1.  I am thankful for my lovely, looney, awe-inspiring daughters!!!

2.  I am thankful for living in a country where no one can make me watch the Oprah Winfrey Network

3.  I am thankful for the U.S. military, the dedication of those who serve is incredible.

4.  I am thankful for egg nog...mmmmm, mmmmm, good :-)

5.  I am thankful I'm a man...I'm old, short, fat, balding and gray and if ya squint just right, still kinda hott !!!

6.  I am thankful for my XBox...if anyone sees Bill Gates, give him a kiss right on the mouth for me

7.  I am thankful that I was raised by a strong woman...all shortcomings are mine, not hers...she did the best  she could with what she had to work with...thanks Mom, I miss you.

8.  I am thankful that I've never had to expeience a tampon....yuck

9.  I am thankful that in these "tough economic times" that I have the resources to spoil my girls

10.  I am thankful that JM introduced me to the world of blogging and you awesome folks...y'all rock!

If you could travel back in time to witness one event, what would it be?

Rambling state of mind

So, is there a rule or guide to how long a blog should be?  Is there a requirement for it to be coherent...I hope not.  I have about a bizillion things running thru my pea brain tonite...none of which are even remotely connected.  So buckle your seat belts...here we go. First...I want to wish everyone an indigestion and drama free Thanksgiving...I am officially prepared to go into "grazing" mode at first light. True freedom has got to be the luxury to say exactly what you want to say without regard to political correctness, pissing people off, or offending someone...heaven forbid!  Unfortunately, I think only toddlers and very old people have this freedom...I am sooooo envious. Is it a bad thing that I'm a little jealous of Boyfriend?  Not in a weird way, I just like being the person responsible for JM and her sisters happiness. A friend at work just bought a 3-D television.  I started wondering, if he watches porn on it...will he need a splash guard or something? Big Sis and Li'l Sis came up and put up my Christmas tree this afternoon and it's really pretty.  Apparently the star for the top has gained some weigh since last year (that's what happens when you lay around in a box and do nothing) and is now to heavy.  I will go to Walmart and find a skinny star.  If one of the girls has not "borrowed" my camera, I'll post a pic of the tree in the next day or two.   After reading the responses to the gender change question, I was forced to conduct an experiment.  I now understanding the curiosity with peeing standing up....peeing sitting down isn't much of a challenge and doesn't really allow for any creativity...like target practice :-) I want to send a big THANKS to Jess for offering to be my mail order bride IF she weren't already married...it's the closest to a relationship I've had in ages! I had a woman tell me once that I was an emotional cripple....will that get me a parking space? The holidays are a love/hate time for me.  I love them because it gives me the opportunity to go over the top to make my girls happy.  I am so extremely fortunate that they have grown to be women that I not only love because they are mine but because they are people that I like.  I am proud and happy that they are each responsible people making their own lives....but to be honest it does make me very aware that I'm alone...and if you're reading this JM, do not feel guilty because I wouldn't have it any other way...your happiness truly makes me happy.  It's weird, I'm so proud that they can stand on their own feet and make their way in the world but it saddens me that they really don't need me but I guess all parents reach that point.   OK...everyone except JM come over here and I'll tell you what I got her for Christmas....whisper, whisper, whisper...ohhh, ahhhh.

Night all, and again, Happy Thanksgiving

Not bad for a Monday

The response from you guys is amazing and enlightening...no wonder JM thinks so highly of you all :-)  This is a short week at work so I figured it would be pretty slow...wrong again!  First we had a meeting where people got yelled at for misusing official vehicles...for once, I could sit back and watch everyone else squirm cause I'm innocent of that charge...yay me.  Then a redistribution of work was layed out due to a couple people leaving...several unhappy whiners after that announcement...I dodged the bullet on that one too!

Got to talk to JM a couple times after coming home...y'all have no idea what a hoot she is...she cracks me up.  Called JM's eldest sister (heretofore to be known as Big Sister) to let her know that Christmas is only 32 days, 3 hours, 30 minutes and 23 seconds away...she is truly the Spirit of Christmas, she gets more excited now than when she was 3!!!  She's going to come up Wednesday night to put up my Christmas tree...she already has two up at her place.

I asked JM to get me a mail order bride for Christmas but she doesn't seem to be working very hard at finding me one :-(  Time to spend a little quality time with my XBox...I know, I know...but maturity is over rated :-)  Y'all have a good night!

If you could change your gender for one day, what would you do that day?

Relaxing Sunday

JM and Boyfriend came and spent some time with me today...which always makes for a good day.  Somehow, JM sat on the computer while Boyfriend and I cooked for her...not real sure how she does that!  It's funny, for many years I lived a minimum of a 12 hour drive from the girls and didn't get to spend much time with them.  When I retired from my first career, I moved back here specifically to be near them (otherwise I'd still live where it's warm).  Now I live about 20 minutes from two of them and about 40 minutes from JM...and it's entirely to far!!!  I tried to get JM to move in with me and even offered to let Boyfriend set up a tent in the yard but she insists on being all grown up...what's up with that???

My first post...I'm so nervous :-)

First and foremost, this blog is inspired by my daughter, who not only is an accomplished blogger but also a uniquely awesome person.  I take full credit for her many positive attributes and blame the few negative ones on her mother :-)  Not only does she have a blog, she actually allows me to read it...which I find pretty amazing...however, we are going to have a long discussion about her language!!!  I highly (and proudly) recommend you check out her blog Jumble Mash.

As I said, my blog is inspired by my daughter...my life is inspired by all three of my daughters!  I sincerely believe they are the only legacy I will leave in this world.  I can screw up most things in life and recover but I absolutely can not screw up being Dad.  I won't pretend that I get it right even most of the time but I can honestly say that I sincerely try to do the best I can.  I have found being Dad to be a rewarding, frustrating, frightening, hilarious, heart-breaking, confusing, educational, self-doubting, and altogether meaningful experience...thanks girls.

Enough of the mushy stuff...now on to the unsound reasoning.  The other day I walked pass a display case at work announcing Native American month.  I started to think of what "label" applies to me.  I was born, as were eight generations of my family, in America...why am I not considered a Native American?  While over two hundred years ago an ancestor made the trip here from Scotland, I don't feel Scottish-American...I've never been to Scotland so why would I claim to be Scottish?  Maybe we need a new label for people like me...maybe "Non-native American".