I'm feeling a little cranky today and not real enamoured with humankind so figured this would be a good time to lay out the changes that will be made once I become Grand Pubah of Planet Earth!!!
1. All lawyers will be given a choice...give up the practice of law and do something that actually helps society or take a long walk off a short pier...into shark infested waters...smeared with whatever it is that sharks can't resist.
2. Since most polticians are or were lawyers, I'm hoping step one gets rid of most of them but for those few remaining, they will also get a choice...do something that actually helps society or slide down a razor blade naked into a vat of iodine.
3. I will appoint people to the important jobs based on their personal integrity and ability to make me laugh...women with nice butts will get two bonus points!
4. Temporary, reversable sterilization for everyone that cannot afford to raise a child...once the financial capability can be demonstrated...an antidote will be issued.
5. All professional athletes will work under a strick salary cap...if they reallllllyyyy play because they love the game...they can play for minimum wage! This change will also apply to actors, actresses, singers, bands, clowns, and Barney the friggin Purple Dinosaur!!!
6. The military, police, teachers, firemen and trash collectors will get an immediate 100% pay raise (we'll get the money from the athletes, actors, etc ) IF they are good at what they do...no dead weight in these professions will be tolerated.
7. Health care...I will pay for all medical training/schooling...with a two to one pay back...if you go to 8 years of medical school...you owe society sixteen years of service...at a REASONABLE salary...this may keep the folks that just wanna make money away.
8. "Welfare" will only be available for those not capable of working...not those that don't want to work!!!
9. The media will not be permitted to destroy the self-esteem of girls and women by "dictating" or force feeding their (and industry's) version of what an attractive woman should look like....all Barbie dolls will immediately put on 45 pounds!!!
10. The only talk show that will still be aired will be Jerry Springer...cause face it, if you're doing better than Jerry's guests...life ain't so bad :-) Dr. Phil and Oprah will be forced to marry and listen to each other's psychobabble bullshit for the rest of their lives...in private!
11. All religious organizations will lose their tax free status...on planet Dad...if ya wanna play, ya gotta pay.
12. Free education will actually be free...kids (their parents) will not be forced to become door-to-door salesmen of cookies, magazines, or other crap that none of us really want to buy anyhow.
13. Thieves...the cutting off of hands, televised on ESPN, doesn't seem too harsh to me...basic thing momma taught me...if it ain't yours, don't touch it
14. Back to education...any educator caught calling a child dumb or stupid or similiar word will have their privates painted with honey and staked to an ant hill for 8 hours...without pay...to consider who is really stupid!
15. Drugs...the entire drug trade will be taken over by the government and taxed to high heaven...let it generate funds for the country instead of draining it.
16. Old people (by this I mean older than me) will regain their status as essential and venerated members of society instead of throw-aways...they will be allowed and encouraged to continue working as long as they are able to make a contribution...when they are no longer able to work...we will capitalize on their experience and wisdom by having them as advisors...when they decide they've had enough, we will treat them with dignity and respect...we should all want this since I believe we all hope to be old one day :-)
17. Any chocolate eaten after 6 pm will have no calories...enough said!
18. People in prison and jails are there because they did something bad...they will not have tv, gyms, the internet, or anything else that makes jail a less than terrible experience...I think the idea should be to make it so unpleasant that no one wants to go back...and possibly change their behavior to ensure they don't go back!
OK...I'm tired now...gonna go play some Xbox and then off tobed...my big, empty bed...hmm, maybe I'll just stay up all night :-)
Hope everyone has a great Monday!