Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Monday, Monday...revisited!!!

In yesterday's case your memory is deficient like mine...I offered to answer some questions and y'all left some good here we go!!!

My darling JM asks "why OH why do guys think once they are in a relationship they can just quit trying to impress the girl?"  Good question, young see, we take our clue from the animal kingdom.  The peacock displays its brilliant, iridescent plumage to impress and entice the peahen (only the males are actually peacocks) into joining his harem.  However, once the peahen is a member of the harem, the peacock no longer puts on this display.  There are two primary reasons for this change in behavior; 1) the level of posturing required to win the mate is alot of friggin' work...the tailfeathers are about 60% of the peacocks total body length and 2) the peacock has already won the peahen as a mate...what would be the point in trying to impress her further?  To summarize, we use our best effort to get you in the first once we have you, there's not much left to impress you with and once in a relationship, it's easy to get lazy and fall into the false sense of security that we did such a good job of impressing you in the first place that there's really no need to keep doing it.  As a note, the male is not the only gender guilty of in point, the female that previously spent an hour getting ready for a date now only owns sweatpants and has taken the Mary Kay lady off her friends list :-)  JM, there is a way around this one...don't let the guy know he's in a relationship...I once saw a woman for two years and never knew that I was "in a relationship" I thought we were special friends :-)

Krissy, who has referred to me as sexy twice now and I hereby appoint as my highly valued official stalker, ponders "Why do guys always have their hands either in their pants or on their appendage?"  First, appendage is a really bad term to use when describing our weiners...they have feelings, you know!!!  It sounds like we could get appendage-itis and have to have it removed or it might fall off or some other craziness...shudder.  But back to the question, there are actually a number of reasons for this seemingly strange behavior.  It could be economic...for example, I grew up poor...there were five sons and very little money...sometimes it was the only thing I had to play with :-)  For some married guys, it's a reminder that even though they don't get to use it without permission, it's still there.  Yes, sometimes it is a sexual just feels good.  Oh, and believe it or not....sometimes it is just a comfort adjustment and nothing more :-)

And Jess is quite the curious one...she has four..."Do y'all REALLY think about sex evry 13 seconds?"  Jess, I'm not sure where you came up with this so called "data"....I seriously believe it to be must be based on men of the clergy or guys in a coma!!!  I'm pretty sure that for regular guys it's probably more like once every 10.5 seconds and for us overachievers once every 8 seconds...but to be clear, some of those thoughts are very fleeting, like "nice butt".  Jess' next inquiry is a personal favorite, "Do you automatically appraise a woman's hotness when meeting her for the first time?"  Without a doubt, YES.  To clarify, although most won't admit it...I believe the majority of men, if even for a split second...never to be acted upon, assess each woman's potential as a possible sex partner.  I think this is based on two factors...factor one, the genetic drive to procreate and sustain the species and factor two that we're horn dogs that would have sex with just about anyone short of a leper (see note above about stuff falling off) IF the conditions were just no one would ever find out :-)  Her next question caught me off guard and required some soul searching on my part..."Do you secretly like chick flicks?" Not so much, they set the expectations for romance and relationships too high for the typical guy to meet...see peacock discussion above.  However, I must be honest and admit that there are exceptions...I love the movie "Sweet Home Alabama" and not sure if this one actually qualifies as a chick flick but I really like Juno...the parents in that movie are awesome!  And last, the age old question "Is the toilet lid thing really that widespread an epidemic?"  I with you Jess, I don't see this as a major issue...can't recall it ever creating strife at my house.

Wow...that was fun :-)  I was talking to JM this afternoon and told her this blogging stuff can be addictive...I haven't even had dinner yet because I wanted to log on and see what's happening.  Y'all are much more interesting than the people I know :-)

Monday, November 29, 2010

Monday, Monday

I've had a migraine since I woke up dryer broke late last night so I had to take off part of today to get it fixed, since my underwear weren't dry yet...the U.S. Mail has apparently delivered three different packages of mine (yes, christmas gifts) to the wrong house but they assured me they will ATTEMPT to get them back tomorrow...why wouldn't the people who got them have already tried to get them back to the mailman???  But Big Sis and Li'l Sis came up for a while, we went to Walmart and out for Chinese so all in all it was a good Monday.

Since most of y'all are women...and yes, I do love the a public service, I hereby offer to field any question you ever wanted to ask a man but were afraid to long as you don't tell the guys...I don't want to lose my secret decoder ring or have them change the secret handshake :-)

I have determined that after 49 years and 10 months what I have learned about women is about equal to a popcorn fart in a wind storm!!!

C'mon Tuesday...what do ya have in store for me ???

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Jumble middle child :-)

I really didn't have much to say today...until I read JM's post on childhood memories :-)  JM and I think so much alike that sometimes it's scary...and I'm not sure which of us should be scared the most!  There have been times that she has been...shall we say...a challenge.  But I must say, even when being a challenge, she has always been interesting. 

The following conversation took place when JM was 5 or 6 and I was tucking her in for the night:

JM:  Daddy, can God see me in the dark?
DAD:  Yeah baby, I'm pretty sure God can see in the dark
JM:  Daddy, what if I cover up my head?
DAD:  JM, what are you trying to hid from God?
JM:  Nothing, I was just wondering!

I couldn't possibly love her more than I do :-)

Saturday, November 27, 2010

10 Things that Piss Me Off

1.  People that try to make themselves look good by making others look word...karma.

2.  That I have no hips...I must pull my pants up a thousand times a day...I may have velcro implanted to keep them in place.

3.  That the media thinks we are so stupid that they have to provide us with an opinion...I mean really, news casters are just actors that aren't smart enough to remember a script !!!

4.  Childproof caps....urghhhhh

5.  The person that uses the last paper on the roll...and doesn't tell anyone

6.  The fuzz that gets in my's not even the same color as my shirt...where does it come from?

7.  When the thought is so crystal clear in my mind but when I say it, the person hearing it gets a completely different message :-(

8.  That coffee doesn't taste anything like it smells

9.  That random women do not recognize the sexiness oozing from my pores ;-)

10.  That the chances of me becoming Grand Pubah of the I can fix 1-9 above...are getting slimmer every day!

Feelin' Old

Well Big Sister turned 26 today!  Exactly how in the hell did that happen???  Seems like only yesterday she was between diaper to little, one too big...and peed out the side onto my nicely starched Air Force uniform...twice, in the same day!!!  Or the first time we brought her back to the states...she was about 7 months old and I found out a military flight was going into Charleston, SC and there were "seats" available.  The aircraft was a C-130 which is a troop transport/cargo seats, webbed netting to sit loud you can't talk to the person next to you...and oh yeah, it was an 11 hour training flight.  The Load Master and the entire crew went out of their way to make us as comfortable as possible since we had such precious cargo with us :-)  As the flight progressed, I was very happy...and proud...of what a well behaved baby I had fathered.  As we descended into Charleston, I was relieved and already thinking about the 8 hour car ride home.  As the wheels touched darling, well behaved daughter projectile vomited infamil all over me...and I do mean all over me!!!  Oh, the joys of parenthood.  Happy Birthday Big Sister....and JM, don't laugh too much...your birthday is coming soon :-)

Thursday, November 25, 2010

10 Things for Which I'm Thankful

1.  I am thankful for my lovely, looney, awe-inspiring daughters!!!

2.  I am thankful for living in a country where no one can make me watch the Oprah Winfrey Network

3.  I am thankful for the U.S. military, the dedication of those who serve is incredible.

4.  I am thankful for egg nog...mmmmm, mmmmm, good :-)

5.  I am thankful I'm a man...I'm old, short, fat, balding and gray and if ya squint just right, still kinda hott !!!

6.  I am thankful for my XBox...if anyone sees Bill Gates, give him a kiss right on the mouth for me

7.  I am thankful that I was raised by a strong woman...all shortcomings are mine, not hers...she did the best  she could with what she had to work with...thanks Mom, I miss you.

8.  I am thankful that I've never had to expeience a tampon....yuck

9.  I am thankful that in these "tough economic times" that I have the resources to spoil my girls

10.  I am thankful that JM introduced me to the world of blogging and you awesome folks...y'all rock!

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

If you could travel back in time to witness one event, what would it be?

Rambling state of mind

So, is there a rule or guide to how long a blog should be?  Is there a requirement for it to be coherent...I hope not.  I have about a bizillion things running thru my pea brain tonite...none of which are even remotely connected.  So buckle your seat we go.

First...I want to wish everyone an indigestion and drama free Thanksgiving...I am officially prepared to go into "grazing" mode at first light.

True freedom has got to be the luxury to say exactly what you want to say without regard to political correctness, pissing people off, or offending someone...heaven forbid!  Unfortunately, I think only toddlers and very old people have this freedom...I am sooooo envious.

Is it a bad thing that I'm a little jealous of Boyfriend?  Not in a weird way, I just like being the person responsible for JM and her sisters happiness.

A friend at work just bought a 3-D television.  I started wondering, if he watches porn on it...will he need a splash guard or something?

Big Sis and Li'l Sis came up and put up my Christmas tree this afternoon and it's really pretty.  Apparently the star for the top has gained some weigh since last year (that's what happens when you lay around in a box and do nothing) and is now to heavy.  I will go to Walmart and find a skinny star.  If one of the girls has not "borrowed" my camera, I'll post a pic of the tree in the next day or two.
After reading the responses to the gender change question, I was forced to conduct an experiment.  I now understanding the curiosity with peeing standing up....peeing sitting down isn't much of a challenge and doesn't really allow for any target practice :-)

I want to send a big THANKS to Jess for offering to be my mail order bride IF she weren't already's the closest to a relationship I've had in ages!

I had a woman tell me once that I was an emotional cripple....will that get me a parking space?

The holidays are a love/hate time for me.  I love them because it gives me the opportunity to go over the top to make my girls happy.  I am so extremely fortunate that they have grown to be women that I not only love because they are mine but because they are people that I like.  I am proud and happy that they are each responsible people making their own lives....but to be honest it does make me very aware that I'm alone...and if you're reading this JM, do not feel guilty because I wouldn't have it any other way...your happiness truly makes me happy.  It's weird, I'm so proud that they can stand on their own feet and make their way in the world but it saddens me that they really don't need me but I guess all parents reach that point.
OK...everyone except JM come over here and I'll tell you what I got her for Christmas....whisper, whisper, whisper...ohhh, ahhhh.

Night all, and again, Happy Thanksgiving

Monday, November 22, 2010

Not bad for a Monday

The response from you guys is amazing and wonder JM thinks so highly of you all :-)  This is a short week at work so I figured it would be pretty slow...wrong again!  First we had a meeting where people got yelled at for misusing official vehicles...for once, I could sit back and watch everyone else squirm cause I'm innocent of that charge...yay me.  Then a redistribution of work was layed out due to a couple people leaving...several unhappy whiners after that announcement...I dodged the bullet on that one too!

Got to talk to JM a couple times after coming home...y'all have no idea what a hoot she is...she cracks me up.  Called JM's eldest sister (heretofore to be known as Big Sister) to let her know that Christmas is only 32 days, 3 hours, 30 minutes and 23 seconds away...she is truly the Spirit of Christmas, she gets more excited now than when she was 3!!!  She's going to come up Wednesday night to put up my Christmas tree...she already has two up at her place.

I asked JM to get me a mail order bride for Christmas but she doesn't seem to be working very hard at finding me one :-(  Time to spend a little quality time with my XBox...I know, I know...but maturity is over rated :-)  Y'all have a good night!
If you could change your gender for one day, what would you do that day?

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Relaxing Sunday

JM and Boyfriend came and spent some time with me today...which always makes for a good day.  Somehow, JM sat on the computer while Boyfriend and I cooked for her...not real sure how she does that!  It's funny, for many years I lived a minimum of a 12 hour drive from the girls and didn't get to spend much time with them.  When I retired from my first career, I moved back here specifically to be near them (otherwise I'd still live where it's warm).  Now I live about 20 minutes from two of them and about 40 minutes from JM...and it's entirely to far!!!  I tried to get JM to move in with me and even offered to let Boyfriend set up a tent in the yard but she insists on being all grown up...what's up with that???

Saturday, November 20, 2010

My first post...I'm so nervous :-)

First and foremost, this blog is inspired by my daughter, who not only is an accomplished blogger but also a uniquely awesome person.  I take full credit for her many positive attributes and blame the few negative ones on her mother :-)  Not only does she have a blog, she actually allows me to read it...which I find pretty amazing...however, we are going to have a long discussion about her language!!!  I highly (and proudly) recommend you check out her blog Jumble Mash.

As I said, my blog is inspired by my life is inspired by all three of my daughters!  I sincerely believe they are the only legacy I will leave in this world.  I can screw up most things in life and recover but I absolutely can not screw up being Dad.  I won't pretend that I get it right even most of the time but I can honestly say that I sincerely try to do the best I can.  I have found being Dad to be a rewarding, frustrating, frightening, hilarious, heart-breaking, confusing, educational, self-doubting, and altogether meaningful experience...thanks girls.

Enough of the mushy on to the unsound reasoning.  The other day I walked pass a display case at work announcing Native American month.  I started to think of what "label" applies to me.  I was born, as were eight generations of my family, in America...why am I not considered a Native American?  While over two hundred years ago an ancestor made the trip here from Scotland, I don't feel Scottish-American...I've never been to Scotland so why would I claim to be Scottish?  Maybe we need a new label for people like me...maybe "Non-native American".